Limit setting. One of the most critical behaviors you use when working with students with behavior. Limit setting is a powerful tool to help support students through positive choices and ensure staff members are creating healthy boundaries and promoting safety.
Here are a few things to remember when setting limits:
Limits are not ultimatums.
Students should be capable of the limits placed on them
Limits are to teach not to punish
We need to validate feelings
We need to follow through with our limits
One of the most important things I consider when setting a limit is CAN this student follow through with this limit? Is this student capable of this limit I set? Does the student have the skills to engage in the limit? Is the limit developmentally appropriate for this student? For example, I wouldn't set a limit on a student to finish the work now or finish the work later by themselves when I know it is not a student capable of engaging in academic work without an adult present to provide positive support and academic intervention. We have to remember the limits and parameters around the limits we are setting for students. What may be appropriate for one student may not be appropriate for another one.
One thing I always do before setting any limit is validate feelings. We can't set limits without establishing relationships and validating the feelings of our students. When we validate feelings, we are giving students the benefit of the doubt. We are letting them know "I hear you, I see you, I'm listening to you." Validating feelings can sound like asking a student, "what do you need? How do you feel? Can you point to an emotion?" Students can't respond to a limit without processing through emotions. After validating emotions I may offer students to take a break, use a fidget, take time to themselves, sit with a teacher or talk to a trusted adult. Do something that encourages them emotional regulation and replacement behaviors before setting limits.
Now, let's get into the good stuff: how to set limits that yield positive results and engagement in the limits set. There are many ways we can set limits. Here are some scenarios and limit setting phrases you may find helpful or beneficial to use with your students.
Limits that involve time:
- First __________, then ____________.
-Would you like to __________ or ____________ first.
-We can start in 3 minutes or 5 minutes. Which do you choose?
-Can you ________ now or after you get done?
-Do you need 2 minutes or 4 minutes to finish that?
Limits that involve setting/materials:
-You can work (here) or (there). Which do you choose?
-Would you like to write with _________ or __________.
-You can join us when ___________.
-You can put (item) _______ or _______. Which do you choose?
Limits that involve reinforcement:
-When you ________, you can __________.
-I can talk about this when you __________.
-After ________, you can __________.
-Can you do ________ or __________ before __________?
Here is a visual I put on my key ring! This has the phrases above written out so I can reference anywhere I go in the school or whenever I am in a behavior with a student. Often times behaviors happen at the most unexpected times and this on my keyring helps me to be prepared for those! Click here for a FREE download of this setting limits sentence starter:
Remember, limits are things we are ok with. When we set a limit, we have to be ok and accept either choice the student picks from the limit. Limits are ways we can deescalate a situation and provide solutions to problems that students are ok with and helps to prevent high-risk behavior. When we set a limit, we aren't implying a consequence, but rather asking students to de-escalate with us by making positive choices. When we make threats we tell students what we need them to do or that they have to do something. When we invite them to deescalate we are asking them to do something. The way we present our limits through a positive way by ASKING them to do something as opposed to telling them they HAVE to do something is crucial to engagement. We can create a more promising outcome for de-escalation and engagement in the situation presented to them.
When setting limits we ensure we offer the positive choice first and the less desirable choice or natural consequence second. We need to make sure our limits are clear and concise. Limit setting can also be supported through visuals. A behavior contingency map is a great way to offer choices and provide a visual to support choices and students through the process of decision making.
This is a limit I would set with a student each day. He struggled getting off the computer and re-engaging back in work. I set a limit that "when you get off the computer when the timer goes off, after your work station is done you can have extra computer time." When analyzing this limit, there was no consequence, but rather a lack of positive reinforcement. The limit was not an ultimatum, the student had the skills to get off the computer and the point of the limit was to teach appropriate transitions off the computer by providing an extra incentive and positive reinforcement.
How can we set limits when our emotions are invested? Stay neutral. Our body, voice, hands and behaviors need to stay neutral. When we remember that limits are their to help teach our students to regulate emotions, instill discipline, develop control over their actions and feel safe we become less invested in the emotional output our students are giving us. We realize their emotions are not regulated and they need help regulating through limit setting and co-regulation. We have to remember to control our own actions and not act out of frustration. When we act out of frustration we are drifting away from being neutral and we can then begin to engage in a power struggle. When we encounter a power struggle, no one wins and at that point students and staff are just trying to establish dominance over each other. Power struggles result in telling students what to do as opposed to inviting them to deescalate and engage in co-regulating behaviors, which is one of the points of limit setting.
It's ok to set a bad limit. Why am I including this? Well, because we've all set bad limits. Often when our emotions get too invested, we lose sight of why we are setting limits or engage in a power struggle and then we can set a bad limit. A principal always told me 'It's ok to set a bad limit and let the student know we set the bad limit'. The majority of our students appreciate when we tell them we were in the wrong. We own our mistakes (even as teachers) and reset a limit and move on.
Commonly asked questions about limit setting:
What happens when my limits set them off? Cause a bigger behavior? I will tell you now, anytime you implement a new intervention or new way to set limits the behaviors always gets worse before they gets better. Again, when we reference back to the original intent of setting limits, it's to help students manage emotions and frustration. It's to teach them coping skills and discipline. When we set a limit and continue to set a limit, a student will eventually engage in positive behaviors because they know you will always be firm and neutral with your limit and follow through. Eventually you won't need to set the limit if you engage in setting it long enough.
What happens when a student does not follow through with the limit set? This happens more often than we hope, unfortunately. Students engage in pushing the boundaries on limits to see if you will follow through. Students need to know they can trust you which is why we need to follow through on our limits. When students begin understanding that we always do as we say, then they can trust us. My number one strategy I use when students don't follow through with a limit is waiting them out and following through with the limit eventually. I enjoy doing task or behavior based limits over time based ones for our challenging students. For example: "When you sit down in you chair, then I can give you your pencil." As opposed to something like "When you sit down in 10 seconds, then I'll give you your pencil". Behavior based limits as opposed to time ones focus on the positive behaviors we are wanting our students to engage in and don't put as much pressure to engage during a specific time period as opposed to when the student is ready to engage.
How can I teach my staff members limits? Limits are hard to teach. There is no textbook of 'how to set a limit' or right or wrong way to do it. Obviously, there are better ways to set limits that yield a higher percentage of students reengaging, however they are still hard to teach. My best advice is practice, practice, practice. Carry a notebook around, write down all the limits you set during the day with students. Take time after school and analyze the limits. Were they successful, yes or no? Why were some successful and others not? Was the limit unattainable for the student? Was the limit demanded as opposed to invited in for deescalation? Did you present the positive or negative choice first? Determine what ways of setting limits are working best for your students!
Limit setting is hard, I know. I've been practicing it for 6 years. I still have days where I set a bad limit, take it back and start over because I didn't validate feelings or I forgot to consider the capabilities my student has before setting the limit. There is not a right way to set a limit. Every student responds different and it takes trial and error to figure out what works best. Just remember we need to validate, evaluate and follow through. We need to validate feelings, evaluate the student capabilities and skills they have and follow through with the limits we set.
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